a new stage – a new move

I really haven’t been writing for a really really long time. Especially writing in terms of expressing myself, not for other purposes.  How have i been feeling lately? There are so many mixed feelings. I feel like it is a long and winding journey, and that looking back the road is long, but the starting point is still so visible from my point of view. Amazingly, the temptation is there, to go right back to the start, even when i know that it should be done. It’ll just undermine the value of my measly efforts so far.

Over the Eid Mubarak, which is the season for forgiveness, I received a text message, regular broadcasted from the way it looked on the screen of my phone. Asking for forgiveness and wishing a great day. However, i just could not forgive. In the end, i did not reply. Its a mixture of factors that I don’t want anything to do with any things related to this particular person, i don’t know what to do or how to react and so on and so forth…….  sigh but mostly i still feel this obligation that when i replied and said something like ok, likewise, in a way it means i have accepted the apologies sent over to my way, when deep inside i am still questioning myself, which standpoint am i in, have i really forgiven (which in this case i don’t know –), and if i say i have not, is this temporary, or permanent, or is it that my ego stands in my way and i have said that i have forgiven but deep inside i havent, or the other way round easily. See so many factors run through my mind. Looking at this week where i spent the whole week out of town — i often wonder this mixture of feeling i have, between fear of running into, and not wanting to meet, also wanting to meet just to test my reaction and the other party’s reaction — so very very confusing –

a lot of times it is really tough feeling, while i realize that all this experience will in the end toughen me up and make me stronger, but, really, it ain’t easy to do… but nobody said life was ever going to be easy — and well easy has never been existing in my life –

well, in the end, i’m in between glad that this trip is almost over — and that relieved that somehow, i feel like i can see the finish line almost for this particular obstacle of this trip — almost there, but not yet there…. and somehow i have this thought deeply instilled in my mind, i do accept and believe in something named fate — i do have faith in fate — if fate destined us to be then it will be and there is nothing i can do to change that even if i go to the moon and back — and vice versa — so all i can do for now is just — that’s it — nothing..

my new adventure

a few weeks ago i was presented with a well expected but not anticipated news — my next assignment. Boy did that came as a shock to me. Not only did i have to move to another island, they want me to cross over to another function as well. You can almost imagine rightaway how shocked i was. In fact it is probably my first culture shock that really impacted me… I did not feel this way definitely when i went to school in Singapore or when i went to college in US. Neither did i feel this way when i did my intern in China…

New adventure — but it didnt give me any gist like how adventures ussed to give me. Is it the age thing? or is it just me? I woke up today, exactly 2 weeks into my new journey and looked at the mirror…. Boy, i do look like shit. Who is this person looking back at me? My skin looks so oily and old, My eyes don’t twinkle, My hair shows sign of extreme distress, I lost my aura… the very core of me has temporarily left my physical body…

WHat happened? Well, obviously i know what happened…. but i didn’t know it will get so crazy and out of hand like this… Jeez, how did my life end up this way?

hi and bye

it was that song – that eminem sang with rihanna – i love the way you lie. Yes when most people hear about it they would probably think that it’s so stupid… why would someone, or anyone be that stupid to get involved in such a destructive relationship with anyone?

When i hear that song… i see flashbacks and memories. As if 5 years of abuse is not enough, i gotta add another4 to it… and as if it’s not enough to kill me inside, then i gotta do stupid shits to make things worse. Sure it’s not the end of the world, hey i can still walk and talk, i still got a job and i still work, i can think, i can see, in other words – i am alive.. even though barely… but still it’s shitty. people tell me shit happens, i tell myself shits happen.

if this is it for me, then i guess i gotta make the most of it before i say asta la vista… apparently judging from the reaction i got, i fucked it up again today…. and yeah… how many time can one seriously fuck up things? apparently in my case, every thing related to my personal life is fucked… by me or by others…

when my time comes, i guess i can only pray that they will forget the wrong that i’ve done.. i hope people will be able to remember me for the person i really am… i’m sorry i’m such a disappointment to some of you… i tried my best.. really .. i have

A light at the end of the tunnel?

i can’t see the light… after so much has happened in the past 2 weeks… i find myself stuck again…
Is this really just another obstacle so i will get better and stronger when i get out of it? Yeah if i make it through somehow. People always say that things will get better in the end… but apparently they forgot how it’s like in the middle of everything…

When vacation and shopping and eating and sleeping and praying no longer helps.. what do you do? When regret no longer is an available option that would help you in anything, what do you do? Why is it always such a vicious cycle i am in? How do i actually get out of it, especially when i dont really want to get out of it? It’s official, im such a masochist i love being in this situation – or is it just human nature? But gah… do we actually have a reset button? Where we can reformat ourselves and everything starts anew? How do one actually restart everything? How to figure out what next? How to find that light at the end of the tunnel? Enlighten me….

Dear God – Send me an Angel

Ada sebuah lagu yang terus berputar di benakku – lagu Robbie Williams yang berjudul Angel…

I sit and wait, does an angel contemplate my fate? And do they go the places where we go when we’re grey and old?
Lirik lagu berlanjut… namun yang terngiang di otakku adalah bilakah Allah akan mengirimkan salah seorang malaikatnya untuk menjagaku? agar aku tidak selalu merasa kesepian, meskipun aku dikelilingi oleh begitu banyak orang?

Ya, mungkin memang aku putus asa… entah hampir putus asa atau baru saja melewati ambang batas keputusasaan. Aku bingung mencari jawabannya. Untuk apa sih aku hidup? Apa sih tujuanku di dunia ini? Apa yang bisa kulakukan di sini? Apa, apa, dan apa lagi…. Inginku membahagiakan keluargaku… namun ku tak mampu, karena memenuhi permintaan mereka cenderung berarti mengorbankan kebahagiaanku sendiri.

Inginku membahagiakan diriku sendiri… tapi aku tidak tega karena membahagiakan diriku sendiri berarti aku harus setega mungkin kepada semua orang yang ada di sekelilingku. Inginku memperoleh cinta untuk diriku yang mampu diterima baik oleh keluargaku. Namun kandas juga di tengah jalan. Inginku menuruti keinginan keluargaku menggapai cinta yang mereka persiapkan untukku, namun kandas juga karena aku tak mampu membohongi perasaaanku sendiri. Sampailah di titik ini dimana aku bingung, sungguh aku bingung. Seseorang berujar kepadaku, janganlah mengingat hal-hal yang menyakitkan. Namun aku tidak mampu, dan juga tidak mau untuk terus berlari menghindari hal hal itu. Dan mungkin memang kebodohanku saja, aku tidak tau bagaimana caranya tidak mengingat hal yang menyakitkan tanpa harus melarikan diri. Di satu sisi aku lelah disakiti, di sisi lain aku pun letih untuk berlari menghindari sakit itu. Allah, Engkau memang suka bermain permainan dengan kami ya Allah…. meski aku memilih untuk beranggapan itulah bentuk cintaMu pada kami, Engkau hanya ingin menguji seberapa besar usaha yang akan kami lakukan untuk menjalani ujianMu itu Ya Allah…

Ah pusing…