a new stage – a new move
I really haven’t been writing for a really really long time. Especially writing in terms of expressing myself, not for other purposes. How have i been feeling lately? There are so many mixed feelings. I feel like it is a long and winding journey, and that looking back the road is long, but the starting point is still so visible from my point of view. Amazingly, the temptation is there, to go right back to the start, even when i know that it should be done. It’ll just undermine the value of my measly efforts so far.
Over the Eid Mubarak, which is the season for forgiveness, I received a text message, regular broadcasted from the way it looked on the screen of my phone. Asking for forgiveness and wishing a great day. However, i just could not forgive. In the end, i did not reply. Its a mixture of factors that I don’t want anything to do with any things related to this particular person, i don’t know what to do or how to react and so on and so forth……. sigh but mostly i still feel this obligation that when i replied and said something like ok, likewise, in a way it means i have accepted the apologies sent over to my way, when deep inside i am still questioning myself, which standpoint am i in, have i really forgiven (which in this case i don’t know –), and if i say i have not, is this temporary, or permanent, or is it that my ego stands in my way and i have said that i have forgiven but deep inside i havent, or the other way round easily. See so many factors run through my mind. Looking at this week where i spent the whole week out of town — i often wonder this mixture of feeling i have, between fear of running into, and not wanting to meet, also wanting to meet just to test my reaction and the other party’s reaction — so very very confusing –
a lot of times it is really tough feeling, while i realize that all this experience will in the end toughen me up and make me stronger, but, really, it ain’t easy to do… but nobody said life was ever going to be easy — and well easy has never been existing in my life –
well, in the end, i’m in between glad that this trip is almost over — and that relieved that somehow, i feel like i can see the finish line almost for this particular obstacle of this trip — almost there, but not yet there…. and somehow i have this thought deeply instilled in my mind, i do accept and believe in something named fate — i do have faith in fate — if fate destined us to be then it will be and there is nothing i can do to change that even if i go to the moon and back — and vice versa — so all i can do for now is just — that’s it — nothing..
